“How?”, “When?”, “Where?”, “Why?”, “Now what?” The questions were relentless, the concern, the worry. The pleas were akin to sounds of gasping, drowning calls in stormy seas, urgent and ominous. I bore the weight of their calls as might the captain of the onlooking coast guard privy to a vessel full of life rafts. But, imagine for a second that the life rafts are out of reach, my own captain qualifications revoked as phony, and suddenly, I am just as adrift as they are.
So there we were. A docket full of patients, a handful of colleagues with their own dockets and support staff all under the same roof. And then that roof caves in. A fever, a COVID-19 diagnosis, and everything comes to a resentful halt. For over two decades, I have been the bottom of the food chain, to my family and my business alike. I am charged with caring for patients and colleagues, mending their ailing minds and bodies, and providing them sustenance and resources respectively. And suddenly I am responsible for compromising it all. In alerting hundreds of people, I not only inconvenienced their livelihood and their economy of life, but I shattered their peace of mind instantly, and for quite a few days, if not weeks to follow.
The guilt was overwhelming, a burden heavier than any of the symptoms the virus bore.
There is unprecedented fear around this virus, fear of a lonely, breath-taking death, so much so that you can’t wade through it without heavy, head-numbing and soul-dampening stupor. I am still dizzy now, 2 weeks later, with the repercussions of it all. I contracted COVID-19 in a way that never became clear, with symptoms, however mild, that also seem muddy looking back. With data dodgy at best, the investigative reporting of the virus has been capricious and my own path follows suit. This virus stumped me; in spite of 20 years of evidenced-based practice and 6 years of post-graduate academia, I didn’t have much to offer. And then I looked deeper.
Guilt has a permanent backward gaze that makes it impossible to move forward, and it is hardly the crutch to fall back on. So, it was time to reassess. What is my job really? Savior was a title reserved for the ethereal, and every sound vessel should only carry a life raft proportionate to unlikely need, not indefinite whim. The “teach them to fish” parable works quite well here, although for the sake of this analogy, a simple, yet bold verb replacement is in order (fish = swim). The parable speaks to the value of a leader to inspire instead of coddle. Even though properly compensated, I have never been charged to rescue anyone. But I can blog about what I have learned and I can represent the wellness I sell without carrying the sickness on my back.
So, in my Covid-laden days, here is what I have gleaned and what I will carry forth:
The BASICS: I took Wellness Formula around the clock, and my tried-and-true probiotics, Vitamins D, C and, bioflavonoids sustained my health and seemed to limit my symptoms. I began to exercise when I started having energy to do so, slow and steady, but consistent. I slept for 10+ hours a day with surprise but delight. I cleaned the crystals on the chandelier, the crowded corners of the kids’ closets, and the grout with a toothbrush, to feel purposeful and productive.
The BONUS: The most important cleaning, however, was slow but diligent. Every day was a new opportunity to rid of my ownership of others’ pain, worry, and fear. The blame and concern persisted from colleagues and patients alike, and yet I stood in the stillness that remains when the momentum stops to expose you, and with quiet grace, covered up with confidence. Confidence in an uncertain future, confidence that I cannot assert myself into anyone’s experience, confidence that my vulnerability does not imply liability. I can hold space for fear, but I cannot accept it as real, for to look at anything other than what you want just brings you further from it.
We don’t know what this COVID future holds, or how we will arrange the pieces that shattered from its firm grip. That’s the naked vulnerability that is most scary, that isolates our spirit indefinitely. And yet, I challenge you to meet these days with stability, responsible to yourself, and hold promise and faith in your own wellness, current and imminent.
All is truly well. And when it is not, there is new opportunity for it to be so, in every thoughtful moment. I will carry forth as a catalyst to healing, leaving no room for anxious splashing and thrashing about. Instead, I promise to represent what it means to be connected to self, looking only in the direction of growth and gratitude, not backwards toward blame and dependence. As a doctor, and as a human, this is my most useful prescription for all those seeking my care. Thank you, COVID-19 for demanding I be my best optimist, illusionist, or whatever it takes to charge ahead with steady, might strokes.